Bitterness
by Lalachan
Summary: Yomi thinks about a special person from his past. (Warning: Yaoi)


Bitterness WARNING: This fanfic is Yaoi (Male/Male Relationship). I would like to thank Yomi no Miko for translating this fic (it was originally written in portuguese), and also Rhionae for editing it. Thank you! ^_^   
**__**

**_Bitterness_**

  


By Lalachan   


Overwhelmed by the silence which seems to overshadow my palace, I get up slowly from bed, aware that once more I'd be defeated by insomnia. With calm and steady steps that could never betray my almost complete physical blindness, I walk towards the panoramic window, from where a wide balcony can be seen. 

The night is cold... I can feel its touch on my bare skin, but it's not enough to make me shiver... not even the freezing wind which follows. 

What a bizarre sea of sensations my body has become... Everything comes to me now stronger than I've ever imagined to be possible, as if it's amplified many, many times. My dead eyes are useless... but I don't need them anymore. I've developed the remaining senses so much that if there were a chance for me to see again, I'd probably not care. 

I approach the veranda's parapet. Surrounded by the coldness of the night, I can sense my extensive domain. 

Gandara. 

Suddenly, my youkai heart is filled with joy, as pride and contentment overcome me. It took many years of effort, blood and sacrifice for my country to be built... and many lives as well... But I did it. I cannot see with my own eyes its majestic towers of metal and glass, I cannot admire the imposing constructions or the technological progress that makes this city so different from the wild Makai out there... but I can feel it, I can visualize it with the eyes of my mind. I know it's beautiful... 

I have my Kingdom. I'm the Lord of this land. Everything here must work with remarkable perfection, exactly as I've always idealized. I know people are satisfied this way. While the rest of Makai remains confined to its traditional chaos, Gandara is ruled by law. My law... 

So... Now that I've finally conquered everything I aimed for... What could possibly be this strange feeling inside of me? This uneasy sensation which takes my breath and my sleep away, making me search for the gelid air of the night to be witness of my distress? 

Here I own everything any living being could ever dream of possessing... maybe even more than that. But I will never have the only thing that's really important for me, the only thing that always was. 

You. 

I shut my closed eyes even tighter, but I know that no tears will come from them. If I at least knew how to cry... maybe all the bitterness, all this pain could be washed away with them. But I can't... My eyes are dry, and so is my heart. 

Sorrow... 

My old friend who's back to embrace my soul with its dark wings. It's been a long time since I've felt it so close... For so long I believed myself to be safe from its clammy claws, its unpleasant touch which seems to chill my heart... So many years submerged in hate and vengeance... I guess I had forgotten how is to live in sorrow. 

Then you brought it back to me... You made me remember, on that day after Makai Tournament's end. I spent centuries dominated by hostility and hurt, buried under the hate that consumed me day and night... It was those strong feelings which supported me, which gave me the strength and courage to carry on, to persist in the hopeless dream to become incredibly powerful with the only purpose to face you once more. And while I focused in hate, I could forget what was hidden beneath it... and I could go on with my lonely existence. 

It took me the pain of being face to face with you again, to feel you so close once more, in order to understand what was really inside of me, to comprehend everything I always managed to conceal, even from myself. 

So much time has passed... but everything is still so vivid in my mind, as if it had happened yesterday. I still remember the touch of your lips on my lips, the fine texture of your silver hair on my fingers, the golden eyes, always so appealing and lustful... the passion, the ardent desire that guided and consumed us during the moments we spent together. 

I still recall the bad moments too... the fights, quarrels, my arrogance and haughtiness... and your final betrayal. After all we shared, all we went through, I had become an annoying and insignificant obstacle... no more than an insect fated to summary annihilation. 

And that was the moment of the greater pain... the pain that blinded me and little by little gave me the coldness I needed to face the bitter truth... You never loved me. Not the way I loved you. Never, never... 

I never told you how I felt... Nor would I do it now. It'd be pointless anyway... You never heard these words and you never will. They are like seeds cast into the wind, destined to perish before blooming. 

And I search for the hate inside of me one more time... I crave for refuge beneath that mournful feeling, yet so much more comfortable... But I can't find it anymore. Not after meeting you again, even though your shape seemed to be so different. It didn't matter to me because I could feel you, the real you and recognize the same old powerful youki of yours, concealed, masked inside that frail human body. Still, it was you. Even after so many centuries... it was you before me and at that moment, everything else became completely unimportant. 

So close... and for the first time I sensed your youki filled with love... Love for someone else, not me. Love which is so strong and heartfelt that it could touch you, change you... as I never could. 

How many enemies would I kill? How many wars would I gladly fight? What wouldn't I do in order to deserve your affection, your love... To become aware of your devotion for another hurts me more than a thousand swords, than a thousand cuts in my eyes... I believed I was hardhearted because of sorrow, because of the ancient pain... but I was wrong once more. I've been wrong all my life. 

Instead of my so contemplated and expected revenge, all I could do was to let you leave at the end... Free, as you always were. Free to find the one who holds your heart. To find someone who's not me, that never will be. 

Life is so ironic... For so long I dreamed about the day when I'd be stronger than you... it looked like the Gods of Destiny had listened to me. And I had to wait all my life for payback time only to find out that I'd never be able to hurt you. It took me such a long way to discover what was inside of me all along. 

Then all the hate, all the bitterness dissipated, leaving room for the only true feeling I had in my life. The love I feel for you. 

I may never forget you but I know I must accept my fate. I let you go because I never owned you. No power, no strategy... nothing I can do or tell you will change that. And all that's left for me is this emptiness which I'll have to carry with me... 

I cannot cry. But my soul can... My heart cries in silence, bleeds for a wound that will never be healed. Not while I live... Not while the image of your features lives in my memories. 

Wherever you are... take my soul in your hands... 

I'll love you forever, Kurama.   
  
  
  


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By Lalachan, May, 1999.   
This fic is dedicated to my friend Yomi no Miko. Ana... You're such a good miko, dear!! Keep on taking care of our beloved Lord of Makai, ne? ^__^   
Yu Yu Hakusho and its characters are property of Yoshihiro Togashi, Fuji TV, Shueisha, Jump Comics, and Studio Pierrot.   
Comments? [lalachan@yahoo.com][1]   
  


   [1]: mailto:lalachan@yahoo.com



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